28 January 2015

That moment

when you see an updated current pic of someone on facebook and you know the pic is not how they currently look because it's a pic they had on their Match.com profile when you messaged her and found her attractive, and she showed up for your date looking like an older version of the pic and she confesses  that the pic was taken in the late 80's.

26 January 2015

just thinking out loud about happiness/ unedited

Because I know that happiness  should not be the journey but a state of mind, I will be happy. I just don’t know how, though.

I do know that I should not look for someone to make me happy. I need to be happy. No one wants to align themselves with someone whose happiness depends on them.  I know that I prefer to align myself with people who are already happy. Why shouldn’t I try to be happy myself?



25 January 2015

Did you smile?


I'm here

Frida Kahlo (1907-1954) was a Mexican painter best known for her self-portraits and her distinctive surrealist style. The victim of a debilitating bus accident during her youth, Kahlo's lifelong poor health often plunged her into isolation. Thus, she felt a kindred solidarity with the "strange" of the world.

ACKRYTE- Shades- Full Album

24 January 2015

She said that

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor, starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." 

-Mariah Carey

The longest, quietest moment....

 when everyone at our table at a restaurant goes on and on about how much they love their Amazon Kindle, and I say : 

"I have some short stories published on Amazon Kindle,"

and the 30 long seconds of silence before someone changes the subject and comments on how good the food is.

not today. not ever

I'm aware that my social  life would be better in Oregon if I just assimilated into the Oregon way of life but that would mean forgetting that part of me which makes me me (my blackness-my love for black culture, black music, black poetry, black people- everything that is deficient here), and liking everything that white people here enjoy. Like country or alternative or hickbilly rock or the next up and coming alternative rapper that everyone else likes. Like old Friends or Seinfield episodes. Like cross country skiing. Like mountain climbing and hiking and playing frisbee. Like drinking microbrewed beer and discussing the Oregon Ducks loss to Ohio State or discussing some rock legend that might be coming to town. Or some flat-assed thin-lipped white chick that just walked by that they go on and on about how fucking hot she is and that I should go after her because she looked at me.  Everyone looks at me. Not because I'm that attractive ( which I am), but because I am the only non-white person in a room of hundreds of white people every fucking time.

Where are the black people (those who didn't assimilate-those who know they are black)?  I wish I knew.

Can I be me with someone else here?


sometimes you have to give up trying, not because you don't like or love them anymore, but because their feelings for you aren't mutual.

18 January 2015


Sometimes we're loyal to the wrong people.

Someone called me at a quarter to twelve last night. I recognized the voice, but since the number wasn't in my contact list, I asked who it was, just to be sure. It was the person I thought it was was.
He said : I should have popped up in your caller id.
I said: Not if I removed you from my contact list.
He said : Why would you do that?
I said: You always call me to pick you up from the airport, everytime you go out of town, at the last minute- when everyone else says no,and I live far from the airport, and I have never said no. And I never charged you anything.  The one time I needed you to pick me up from the airport because I missed the last train and I didn't want to pay the shuttle 50 bucks plus a tip, and I called you. You said no. Not because you had something else to do. You said you didn't feel like it.  I knew at that point that our friendship was one-sided and you were benefitting.
He said: So I guess that means you won't pick me up from the airport tonight?
I told him to hold on so that I can disconnect this call.

12 January 2015

On Pleading with God

My feelings are not God. God is God. My feelings do not define truth. God’s word defines truth. My feelings are echoes and responses to what my mind perceives. And sometimes - many times - my feelings are out of sync with the truth. When that happens - and it happens every day in some measure - I try not to bend the truth to justify my imperfect feelings, but rather, I plead with God: Purify my perceptions of your truth and transform my feelings so that they are in sync with the truth.
-John Piper,  Finally Alive: What happens When We Are Born Again?

11 January 2015

Q & A

   If you always ask what did I do this past weekend and I always tell you  that I went to bed at 9 on friday night by myself and that I treated myself to a lunch, to a movie and dinner on saturday-this means I'm lonely and would love to be invited out to do things. 

Stevie Wonder would be able to see that, and then act accordingly. 

09 January 2015

Just a thought

"All things happen for a reason."
I hear that alot, so I'll try to find comfort in that quote.

I've been apartment-searching and I've not had any luck, but maybe I should be okay with that.
It's January- I'm told it's the perfect time of year to look for apartments. But when you've filed for bankruptcy in the past (mine was completed and I am no longer in bankruptcy), it is nearly impossible to find housing.
So  while apartment-hunting, I'm stuck living where I live. Or maybe until that employment opportunity in Southern California becomes available and God blesses me with my own place.

07 January 2015

Some people

some people will take you for granted because they know they can,
& some people will not return your calls or texts because they know they don't have to,
& some people  will stand you up because they know they can,
& some people will forget to include you when your group of friends get together to hang out because they know they can,
& some people will feign a sickness but will be tagged in facebook pics partying it up on the day they said they were sick  because they know they can,
& some people will ask you to bake cakes for parties that all of your mutual friends have been invited to and you haven't been invited because they know they can,
& some people will ask you to help them move but then forget to invite you to the housewarming party because they know they can.
& some friends will ask you for favor after favor after favor and then show up in town to hang out with other friends and post the trip on facebook and forget that you live there, because they know they can.

 some people will do whatever to you because they know you.

You won't say anything about it.

I happen to know this type of person.

It's me.

I need to be better at not caring if people think I'm nice and letting people know when they've pissed me off.

03 January 2015

Just a thought.

I've spent alot of time in 2014  being pissed off and crying for one reason or another.

I'm not saying I'm not going to cry this year.  I'm just going to accept my lot in life while trying to make it better.

I spend alot of time alone, which sucks because this world is conducive to being half of a couple or part of a group. There are restaurants I don't go to because I see every table filled with at least two people. I love romance movies (yeah, I'm a guy) but I don't go. I tend to wait until they're available on Netflix or Redbox Not only do I not have any girlfriends. I don't even have any local single female friends I can even hang out with.


I'm going to start going to the restaurants to which I always wanted to go, and see those romantic movies, whether I am alone or not.

a promise

               i promise to focus more on those who are good to my spirit and disregard those who make me question my self-worth.

Question & Freddie Joachim Mellow Orange n°3