30 May 2014


                                 when you think you're by yourself,   it's a beautiful thing to be understood; to find someone who can say, 'hey that happened to me too.


23 May 2014

The weekend is almost here.

Here's some Karriem Riggins

Note To Self

Surround yourself with people who are gonna fill your cup until it runneth over, so when people say you are so full of yourself, you can say 'yeah'. --Oprah Winfrey
  (excerpt of a commencement speech)

Friday Flashback

22 May 2014

Note to Self

A friend in Indianapolis once did me wrong and he asked for forgiveness a couple times. I never forgave him. It was something so insignificant I can't even remember what it was that he had done. One day, about 5 years later, he popped in my head. I decided it was time to forgive him, so I called his number. I didn't get an answer. So I called his mom. --She said he had died a week earlier from Hodgkins Lymphoma. I couldn't speak. I was sad, and pissed at myself that I let something so stupid, so minimal end a good friendship. Forever. He gave me three opportunities to accept his apology and I refused to forgive him. I learned my lesson- to forgive people even if they don't ask for forgiveness. You never know if the last time you see someone is indeed the last time.

13 May 2014

Portland, Pt 2

     And when my grandfather came to me in my dreams tonight, he said:
    "I suggest you stop trying while you're there. No one will ever understand you in the way that you desperately want them to understand you. Just cook and bake and write and be about you."

     Ok, granddad. I'll do that.

11 May 2014

Alone out there

Being home and ill  for a few days,  Saturday was my first time outside since Tuesday. I haven't been sick in over 40 years. That's right; 40 years, but I have a housemate who infected the entire house with  months and months of his coughing all over the place. He  finally went to the dr last week and was diagnosed with pneumonia. My other housemate and the landlord, like myself, went to the dr and we all have Bronchitis.  I haven't eaten from Tuesday to Saturday. I've lost 8 lbs.   Besides sleeping alot I've been catching up on everything my Dvr  records and also Netflix. I wasn't in the mood to write.  I've had a lot of time to think about things. About people.
And you know what? If you were starving, I would feed you without you even having to ask. If you even mentioned that you liked the cakes I bake, I would bake you one for free without you even having to ask. If you even mentioned wishing you could find  gluten-free versions of my cakes, I would make one for you for free, and send it to you, without you even having to ask. If you were unemployed, I would forward you links for employment opportunities that come to my email. If you were interviewing, I would ask to be used as a reference before you even ask me. If you were ill, I would call or text regularly just to see how you're doing. The same thing, if you or a family member were seriously ill or dying. I will call you or instant message you too often. If you were in the hospital, I might even send flowers or balloons. Every mothers day, I've been known to call the mothers of close friends to wish them a happy mothers day.  That's the type of person I am.
Of those that know I was ill this week (my 250+' friends' on facebook and family members I texted earlier in the week) the only two to check up on me are my mother, and my friend Billal, and he lives in Saudi Arabia.  Other then them, the phone did not ring. I didn't get the notify of a text or email, Facebook status update, or Facebook Instant Message. I go to lunch with a couple friends on thursdays. Thursday has come and gone, and even they failed to call or text. With all the drama in Billal's life, he called me 4 times since monday.

I could die right now, and it would take a week for the first few people who would wonder what happened to me - my boss and my landlord.  And other than those two, it would be my mom who would be pissed that I hadn't returned her calls within 5 minutes of her leaving a voice mail. Other than those three,  it would be Billal. Other than those four it would be someone who only knows I exist when they have a taste for one of my cakes. Other than that, months-years can pass before my absence is even noticed. 

And that's how I will live my life, as if my existence is only of importance to me. I'm probably being over-dramatic because I'm sick and I'm pissed that no one is as thoughtful as I am,  but I'm not going to care about the well-being of any one besides my mom and my friend Billal. I aint giving a shit about anyone else from this point on.

01 May 2014

When the dust settles

Here is the truth about some people: you may think you have alot of friends but when the dust settles, what  is left behind is a smaller number of real people that you couldn't see  or appreciate before because  the fake ones were in the way. 


    I don't care about those other months,  just be good to me.

Good morning

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.
It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion, or it will be killed.
Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle, or it will starve to death.
It doesn’t matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: When the sun comes up, you’d better be running.

the edge

                        i'm still trying to figure out what's enough